Saturday, September 12, 2020

Randomly Generated Surreal Appartments

    Paradise Mansions is a decrepit old brick complex, crammed into an aged and isolated corner of the city. It has an indeterminate number of stories (roll 5d6 each time you enter), but each floor has 10 apartments (A through J), with identical doors, a stairwell, fire escape, and small custodial closet at the north end, and a central hallway with a window looking out the southern face. The first floor has a (usually vacant) office near the southern entrance. The basement is a labyrinth. The attic is a howling void. The roof sports a treasure-laden temple. 

    The staff consists of a doorman (a silent, staring figure concealed beneath a heavy coat, tophat, and many, many scarves), a secretary ( who is young and confused, middle-aged and flustered, or elderly and crabby, depending on the day of the week), and a custodian (pray you never meet it; run if you hear the squeaky wheels of its cart). 

    The apartments themselves are absurd concatenations of shapes, contents, and occupants; no two are alike. All rooms have a fire escape (as per city ordinance). Rent is $800/month, first and last month’s rent as security deposit, $300 dollar pet deposit for cats and dogs. No smoking (though this doesn’t stop some people).

    To generate a given apartment, roll 1d20 in each of the following categories, filling in the sentence below. NOTE: This table can and should be expanded upon.

 


“A [Descriptor], [Shape] room, filled with [Contents], and tenanted by [Inhabitants], who [Characteristic].”

1d20    Descriptor         Shape               Contents                      Inhabitants                               Characteristic

1          Cramped           Square              Diverse Clay Jars           An Old Man in a rocking chair    Cannot Remember Their Name

2          Dimly Lit            Circular             Child Coffins                  A Little Girl facing a corner         Is perfectly still and silent

3          Moldering          Rectangular        A Rotting Feast               A Family of Dolls                        Only Moves when you aren’t looking

4          Immense           Octagonal          Crammed Bookshelves    An Emaciated Cat                      Has merged with the floor

5          Collapsing          Triangular          Lynched Mannequins      Aged Female Twins                    Doesn’t want you to leave

6          Smoke-Filled      Rhomboid          Specimen Jars                A horrifying mass of spiders        Isn’t real

7          Dazzlingly Lit     Cylinder            Medical Tools                A Ghoul in Surgeon’s Garb        Is convinced the world has ended

8          Flooded             Spiral                Myriad Fungi                 A tangle of orgiasts                     Refuses to acknowledge your presence

9          Dust-Choked      Helical               Nursery Toys                  A happy black dog                     Wants to leave but cannot

10        Damp                Spherical         Torture Devices              A mutilated, male figure             Doesn’t believe you are real

11        Crumbling         Pyramidal          Too Many Mirrors          A bathing woman                       Yells at the neighbors through the walls

12        Immaculate        Torus-Shaped     A Zoo of Statues             A Chorus of Talking Masks          Asks increasingly bizarre questions

13        Tasteful             Hyperbolic       Expensive Furniture        A Class of Students                     Has Been Expecting You

14        Maze-like            Hemispherical    Heaps of Rubbish           A School of Air-Swimming Fish    Is about to die, and knows it.

15        Escherian          Hexagonal         Numerous Cages           A Party of Laughing Nobles         Insists You are Someone You’re Not

16        Narrow             Abstract             Faulty Machinery            A Troup of Living Shadows          Speaks to someone who isn’t there

17        Upside-Down     Star-Shaped       Crackling Radios            An Understanding Bartender       Acts like you’ve met before

18        Stained              Shapeless          Flickering Televisions      A Gang of Noisy Children           Believes it is a dragon, in disguise

19        Rocking             Cruciform          Innumerable Paintings    A giant infant                             Is a god

20        Shifting             Tesseract           A small forest                 A primitive tribal culture              can grant you a single wish, for a price

 

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